snowbirdfsf

well, okay, there was no honeymoon. not yet at least. but there is dating and getting serious. my boyfriend smokes, drinks, and occassionally does drugs. these are things i don't really do myself (once in a while have a drink) but don't like because i'm kind of a health nut. i'm not one to believe i should try and change a person. but my grandmother just died of cancer. my grandfather died of cancer five years ago. hers just kind of happened (genetics as far as we were told) and he had asbestos plus smoking. this has gotten my kind of freaked out over things that obviously cos health problems. now i really want my boyfriend to, the very least, cut (way) back on his intact of known health disturbing substances. is it nagging to want to do this? if it's for his own good should i at least mention it to him even if i don't push the issue?

Belle

Just out of curiousity - how old is your boyfriend? A lot of people go through an "excess" phase in their late teens and twenties - and maybe it is just that, a phase and no nagging in the world will get him to change on his own.

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No matter where you go, there you are. ~ Buckaroo Banzai

DizzyDee

I would be a little concerned. I would perhaps talk to him about his habits - particularly the drug use. What seems like casual use right now could become very addictive, depending on the drug. If you are hoping to spend a lifetime with this guy, you might want to evaluate how his personal habits are currently impacting your life and how they may impact your life in the future. I am only concerned about this as my Dad's drug habits had a very negative impact on our lives. He was a great guy, but his unhealthy habits and addictions ruined his marriage to my mom, and at times put them both in close calls with the law. And all he did was smoke dope, which is addictive despite the controversy, I saw it first hand. Most people don't want to come home to a zombie anyway.

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DizzyDee

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell

snowbirdfsf

he is twenty-four. his mother is a pothead and smokes crack. also, most of the times he calls him mom she's drunk. he also has a few friends (from when he was living in vegas) who are now on the streets because of their habits. because of that he seems to have enough retraint to not let it get too out of control but that still won't negate the health complications.

}SoC{Sumguy

what kind of drugs? if he smokes crack or does narcotics, then he is potentially a danger to you and himself. if he smokes pot, then in a few years he will be completely lethergic and not ever do much of anything, and be sterile (not able to have kids). If he smokes halucinagens, then he will eventually get to the point where he will have waking nightmares for the rest of his life + be severely brain damaged.

when your brain gets messed with to much, it dies.

also, if he gets too addicted, then the drugs may become more important to him than you.

__________________
"And now you've seen his face,
and you know that there's a place
in the sun, for all that you've done.
For you and your children.
You always wanted to beleive.
Just ask and you'll receive,
beyond your wildest dreams.
And you already know how this will end...."

Belle

You can't rate his behaviors solely on his upbringing and his choice of friends (BTW- in saying that, I'm not negating the potential impact of heredity and peers), but it does sound like he does have an iota of self-control.

Do you trust him? Are you able to talk to him about these things in an adult to adult manner? Do you listen to each other (I mean "active listening" - can you hear what he is saying and are able to paraphrase it back to him and vice-versa)?

__________________
No matter where you go, there you are. ~ Buckaroo Banzai

DizzyDee

For now. The reason the friends are on the street is because eventually the drug takes over. Drugs are very powerful things, and many continue to use because they are under the mistaken impression that they can 'control' the drug, but too often the drug takes over. If he was raised by a drug addict and an alcoholic, then he was socialized by his environment to believe that drug use and alcoholism are common parts of everyday life, sounds like his peer group re-enforce this socialization. It can be broken, as Belle says, but usually it takes professional help.

Now you said "occassionally does drugs" - I have no idea what that means, nor have you said what kind, so my posts may seem too serious. If occassionally means recreationally at parties maybe three or four times a year, maybe things are okay, but it's every weekend, and if its a hard drug despite his self control the drug's addictive properties may be too much to handle. Just a word of caution. Remember when you play with fire you may get burned.

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DizzyDee

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell

FourBear

Hmm, it's a tough one. I don't think you should feel the need to change your boyfriend; it's not up to you to spur his life decisions. I think you will have to confront him sometime about his habits though. I don't think you'd like to be dragged down the same road his mother and friends go down, if that is the path he chooses in the end.

Plumley

You can talk about your concerns and your feelings to him, but that's it. He has no obligation to make you feel better so please don't be disappointed if he doesn't. As others have said, while cancer is the concern you're focusing on right now, the drinking and the drugging are the things you might really want to take a look at.

The An-Jel

If your kind of a health nut and your bf is like the opposite why are you with him. If you have an answer to this then your an idiot and deserve him. I don't mean to be rude but it's true... He Offends Your Sensibilities Straight Off Kiddo!