shadowind

awhile ago i wrote a poor grammer short story, im curious what you guys think of it:

"I am the unmoved mover, the cause uncaused, But the essence was always there, unmoved same as I. I created it not, but I did give it laws. Through these I bended the essence as best as it allowed. I made the building blocks, and left them to their own workings. Planets formed, stars shined. From the essence come people. Following the logic of my own laws, in time they will challenge me, one in particular. This man’s integrity was often misinterpreted as stubbornness, and of his stubbornness he was proud. he believed strongly that the reasonable man conformed to his environment, and the unreasonable man insist on his environment conforming to him. He was right in his conclusion and meaning of this fact, that all progress relies on the unreasonable man. He fought the rules and laws I laid down, more accurately he used them to control them. He called my laws physics and love his religion. In this man, in all people, the essence became a lesser me. At the death of the smaller god, the god went back to my modified essence. This man however was the first to defiy death, the first to be my companion here beyond time. Unlike me he can still exist in essence, and can modify essence in ways only essence can. I am the law giver, he is the perfectionist. For now, lets focus on his ascent to godliness. He himself started at the first quark to come from essence, but his birth was eons latter. Controversy was in his birth, in his life, and in his work.

He was born to a young mother . A night of passion unprotected. The scales of annihilation and birth was near in the beginning. Time, law and fear made causing death before completed life appealing to his prenatal guardian. However uncertainty, compassion and the first kick, made birth weigh something in his biological mother. A mother he never truly knew except through records and a special letter by her given to him when he come of age. His real father, his only parent, adopted and taught him the arts and sciences, humanities and plain sight secrets. It is here the seed of true love was sewed, in the arms of a father, and in the mysteries of the world. His driving force however was to be free. To be without the bondage of being. He still searches for a solution to this problem, of being and of being free, to this day. His work was enhancement of the human condition. His life was rich and bitter. Difficulties not unique but powerful, reaffirmed his conviction in the necessity of breaking down the barriers.

This is his greatest achievement, he overcame my system. He now brings others here with me and balances the forces as he sees fit in the other realms. He was very amused by the irony, but glad I wasn’t what so many expected. They expected a savior who was also a powerful god to bow before. Where instead I’m limited and would rather have a true conversation. Its interesting, one of their own, an internal device, is part of what they seeked all along, he and themselves are their only saviors. I can only reformulate the law, and undo all that is. I made the essence different because I was tired of being alone, and it was all I could truly do. I made it the best it would allow, Selfish I know, but worth it."

__________________
remember "for mere impulse of appetite is slavery, while obedience to a law which we prescirbe to oursleves is liberty"-rousseau: the concept of the general will "if we can not reconcile all opions, then let us endeavour to unite all hearts."-?"to be is to be perceived"-? "‘We can be as honest as we are ignorant. If we are, when asked what is beyond the horizon of the known, we must say that we do not know’-Robert G. Ingersoll

shadowind

any body have any poems or short storys they would like to share?

__________________
remember "for mere impulse of appetite is slavery, while obedience to a law which we prescirbe to oursleves is liberty"-rousseau: the concept of the general will "if we can not reconcile all opions, then let us endeavour to unite all hearts."-?"to be is to be perceived"-? "‘We can be as honest as we are ignorant. If we are, when asked what is beyond the horizon of the known, we must say that we do not know’-Robert G. Ingersoll

cejuan

I think I like it, but I'm a very literal person and often struggle with comprehending things that aren't written to be technically precise. Let me just ask you some things about how I comprehend this story.

First, is "poor grammer short story" a recognized type or category of story or your description of it?

Is it accurate to say that this is a story about a being, who could be mistaken for a god but doesn't want to be? This being is not really omnipotent but did manage to create the laws of nature which in turn created people. Also, about a person who sought to master the laws of nature and in doing so became as godlike as the being that created the laws?

Basically, I like the story because it has some new ideas. I struggled a little with the writing style but thats just me. I always struggle with writing styles that aren't intended to be absolutely obvious in their meaning.

I don't understand the statement "He was right in his conclusion and meaning of this fact, that all progress relies on the unreasonable man". Is it saying that progress is unreasonable or that if people don't have unreasonable expectations they won't make progress?

Don't feel bad if I'm way off base. I'm pretty much a lost cause when it comes to literary things.

Thanks.

shadowind

i should probally rewrite it to be honest
however i'm lazy and i just wanted to see what people thought of the ideas. not neccassarly publish anything.

__________________
remember "for mere impulse of appetite is slavery, while obedience to a law which we prescirbe to oursleves is liberty"-rousseau: the concept of the general will "if we can not reconcile all opions, then let us endeavour to unite all hearts."-?"to be is to be perceived"-? "‘We can be as honest as we are ignorant. If we are, when asked what is beyond the horizon of the known, we must say that we do not know’-Robert G. Ingersoll

debdodd

just keep writing ... I write all the time and some of it is publishable and others are just thoughts .. but don't stop

__________________
"Ubi dubium ibi libertas."

"We are all lone souls. It pays to know humility, lest the delusion of control, of mastery, overwhelms. And indeed, we seem a species prone to that delusion, again and ever again ....."

shadowind

i normally draw or write something or zone out in class. if it wasn't for school i've wouldn't have half my writtings probally. however i would probally still write some with out school

__________________
remember "for mere impulse of appetite is slavery, while obedience to a law which we prescirbe to oursleves is liberty"-rousseau: the concept of the general will "if we can not reconcile all opions, then let us endeavour to unite all hearts."-?"to be is to be perceived"-? "‘We can be as honest as we are ignorant. If we are, when asked what is beyond the horizon of the known, we must say that we do not know’-Robert G. Ingersoll