AB517

I am coming up on 20 years of marriage and no end in site.

People have stated that it is pretty long these days. Why?

It aint just love, people change, I changed. We, at times, did not like each other. We were friends for a while. I have a lot more experience with people than most, in leadership roles, and now realize how good she really is. No matter how bad a time we ever had, I made sure I gave her at least one hug and kiss a day and believe me it was hard. The one thing I haven’t experienced directly in life is an unfaithful spouse, so I keep out of judging those types. Everything else can be worked out if you remove yourself from the center and put something else there, kids, spouse, or even home life.

Politically incorrect:

When people ask me I tell them to look at what type of upbringing (home environment) your future spouse had. If it is the same as yours then the expectations will be similar and the resentments of unmet expectations will be lessened. I also say, with a 50-50 chance these days, I can not offer any insights.

What do you guys think could help the divorce rate decrease?
I am not talking about the old days were they just stuck it out, I do not believe that was good either. Only “LOVE” is for the young. I think realizing who you and they are helps maintain a very close friendship that can last, but I don’t know.

shadowind

intimacy and knowing what you and they want. bascily, its working things out. alot of people i think doesn't know how to talk about serious issues. sometimes i wonder how many people know what love is. but basicly communication and knowing that love is more then just attraction or "chemistry".

__________________
remember "for mere impulse of appetite is slavery, while obedience to a law which we prescirbe to oursleves is liberty"-rousseau: the concept of the general will "if we can not reconcile all opions, then let us endeavour to unite all hearts."-?"to be is to be perceived"-? "‘We can be as honest as we are ignorant. If we are, when asked what is beyond the horizon of the known, we must say that we do not know’-Robert G. Ingersoll

GX

Pharmaceutical MDMA utilized by a trained psychotherapist in a marriage counseling setting. No joke. It was highly successful in the early 1980's and created a sense of love, empathy and understanding among couples where there issues were personality conflicts, living habits etc. In other words, stuff other than "falling out of love" because "Im a different person now". If thats the case, you shouldn't stay stuck in a situation that makes you unhappy, divorce rate be damned.

The FDA declared pharmaceutical MDMA illegal when it caught on in the streets in the late 80's much to the detriment of the psychiatric profession and couples therapy. Whats ironic is that you can still get it on the street but can no longer get it in a therapeutic setting. Another idiotic move in the war on some drugs.

P.S. I havent had the time to post a proper response yet to the "legalization of marijuana" debate we have been engaging in, but rest assured, a response is on its way. Most likely sometime this weekend.

romansh

Hi AB1) Coming up to 32 years in August.... should make it.
2) and 3) I think we tend to relive our parents lives to some degree, so guys you better like your mother in law..... that's what you probably married. Regarding "judging", using the the word in the sense of 'understanding', I have found that I am abysmal at judging other people's marriages. Quite often I wish our marriage was as "good" as another couple's only to find that the marriage failed irretrievably.
4) With 50% of marriages ending in divorce.... that means most people's marriages do last (assuming the repeat divorcers keep it to themselves).
5) Two thoughts ...is it divorce itself that is "bad", or it's consequences? Secondly, I think it can only be a slow process to get the divorce rate down, where our kids and grand kids see how to make marriages work in practice.

__________________
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. ........... Douglas Adams

AB517

To easy an answer here GX.

People do change, it our responsibility to understand each other and fall in "love" again. Love does not mean the same thing to a 25 year old as it does a 45 year old. I am talking about the general population here not the fortunate few that truly find life partners and maintain youthful love.


ROM, very good points. I agree with you.

GX

[quote=AB517;24375][quote=GX;24348]Im sure there are options other than MDMA therapy, I was just giving one very valid option. As far as my comments on "falling out of love" etc. what I really meant to say was that the person who is considering divorce really needs to do some soul searching and find out through therapy etc. if they are truly bottom line unhappy/miserable/unfullfilled for whatever reason remaining in a married situation. Im also sure some people change over the years and deep down in their soul, they no longer wish to be with a certain person or situation for no reason in particular and wish to move on. If so they should not betray themselves by remaining in that situation, divorce rate be damned.

Im sure there are some couples where one or both partners do not feel the sexual magic or love of their youth, but value the companionship and the life they built together over that and thus choose to remain together. Im sure there are many other such conscious tradeoffs in a marriage over the years. Just so were clear, I do not consider the above scenario "betraying oneself". You are just placing a higher value on one aspect over another.

GX

Geshtinnanna

My ideas about decreasing divorce rates?
Well first making it harder to divorce and I guess making it harder to marry too in the first place.

Putting the same thought and research into your marrying partner as you put into buying your digital camera.

Talking with your partner about the marriage and not just the wedding.

Marrying for more than just 'love'

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Skepticologist

I'm on my second marriage. The first one lasted almost 23 years and this one has been going on for almost 12 years.

The first one ended because my first wife and I were both growing and developing as individuals, but in very different directions. When I look back on it, I'm convinced that if either of us had put the brakes on our development in order to be compatible, we'd have resented having to do so for the rest of our lives, and even if our marriage had lasted, it would have been no good as a result.

The second one is still working pretty well largely, in my estimation, because we're painfully honest with each other. Neither of us pulls any punches in the interest of making our marriage seem perfect, so we always know where each other stands on any issue. We're cognizant of the fact that if we're ever diametrically opposed on any critical issue, that will spell the end of the relationship. So far, we've encountered no such critical issue. But being clear about what each of us will accept or not accept in a relationship tends to keep us pretty clear on how ours is doing.

__________________
"I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of."

Clarence Darrow

GX

You make a very good point here skeptico. People change over the years and its a toss of the dice as far as whether both partners in the marriage will change in the same direction. This painfully illustrates that there are no guarantees in the world. The trends for marriage have been that kids will wait until their late twenties, early thirties which is a good thing because at 21 many individuals are still in process of finding themselves and its not a good idea to make a lifetime committment at that point in your life.

GX

I am intrigued by this statement. How specifically, would you "make it harder" to marry and to divorce? Would you require intense professional counseling prior to both? Would you legally redefine the concept of marriage in the first place? Would you change the laws or set age limits? Please elaborate if you dont mind...