cybergeist88

Okay, I'm a troubled teen with a life about as complex as a character from a show with a very confusing story line..so this might be kind of long and depressing.....yet interesting i hope.

I'm kind of a loner living a sheltered life and smothered with overprotective love by my Adventist parents. I've moved around quite alot from New York and back mainly to because my Father was trying to please my bipolar/schizophrenic mom and have me live away from the city (which made no sense because my dad's financial consulting business is in Queens, NY...why move away from the family's source of income?). Why did "god" bring my Dad to this country in his 30's to marry my depressing mother who came from a cold dysfucntional family that splits up never contacting eachother (and on top of that, my mom was going to a church that claims to be the "SDA Reform Movement"...yep, she's that naive"). If that wasn't any worse, I was born with Kallmann's sydrome, a congenital disorder resulting from lack of enough growth hormones. That means I don't age fast, I have a poor sense of smell and I probbably can't have sex...never mind having kids (GRRrrr, why!!!???).

My childish personality may be do to the fact that I miss my childhood. I didn't have much communication with my Dad early in life because he didn't speak much English and he was usually busy. Although we have had family worship virtually every morning, went to church on sabbaths, and listened to Family Radio for music, I didn't have a clue in what my parents believed in or why they believed what they believed. THis was probably because 90% of the time I would zone off into a day dream. I spent most of my time at school, often bullied because of my lack of knowledge of the world shown through media (I didn't watch much TV except for PBS), my thick glasses, and my friendship with other unpopular kids. At church I often separated from my parents to play worldy with kids younger with me uand break the Sabbath. I was taught to pray before eating, going somewhere, and after coming home, but I never actually remembered God even in private, so I was never really learned how to pray. I did finally learn about my the church after I left the "reform church" when I was twelve. I got baptised as a SDA church member at age 13, which I didn't think much of at the time. Interestingly, the regular church left me with my mind more open instead of when I was in the reform which was a very hostile envirement that wants nothing to do with the world and behave worse that the "worldly". I say that because in the regular SDA church you are exposed to alot of knowledge such as health, hystory, and stuff....and I noticed the church was unique because of the sabbath and teachings such as soul-sleep (that means the dead don't go to heaven untill they are resurrected and the lost don't burn forever)....The church doesn't seem to be a very effect cult in brainwashing people if that's what most people though the SDA church is....It kind of got me curious to kind of rebel against what I know and join the dark side by getting into the accult and becoming some pantheist New Ager or something lol Actually some kid in school kinda got me into that....it's not really considered utterly "evil" to SDAs, but deceptive. Yet since I think I know better, there is some guilt invovled to just playing safe by only being entertained by pagan ideas such as the "immortality of the soul". THat's part of why I love science fiction. The closest iv'e ever gotten into something occult is by practicing astral projection....which doesn't seem to work voluntarily....it's like i'm possessed and having telepathic visions through the eyes of my inner demon...baaahahahahahah! Just kidding...or am i? lol just trying to get on your nerves...teheheh

I'm a paralegal major in college and still living with my parents. I 'm going to study to become a business lawyer, but personally i'm only trying to impress my parents who just want me to get a life, lol. I know very little about business jargon and it bores me to death, but I know I need to understand some of it to make a living. I guess I just never took life seriously and I got it from my mom's side of the family because my mom's sister is in the world living a fantasy and I think my mom's brother became a wierd mormon who left one wife and his second "wife" dumped him. My cousins on my mom's side are a bunch of other dyfucntional characters. So I was saying I don't think i take life seriously....I wish I did though but I just have this urge to rebel kind of like my mom's sister. She became and actress but really can't act...lol....I don't have much of a thing for acting but I am interested in making science fiction movies or tv dramas....and maybe comedy. My dad that he may have let me study for that field, but it would be a waste to abandon my paralegal major which i'm almost finished with, yet my dad would probbably worry if I won't make it in that industry...and if I did, I would probably become worldly. I have the urge to do just that....rebel into the world living carefree and not caring if I die living a miserable life in rebelion....but i'm stuck living with my parents because I never planned for the future, I don't have a job, I don't have a car, and I don't know many people because I don't really feel like having a serious life. In other words, I wouldn't be any happier in the world because I don't care much for life to begin with, never mind religion and spirituality that is supposed to give meaning to my life....

So I consider myself angostic because I don't claim to know God nor do I claim to have proof for the existance of God. There is even a new term I found on wikipedia that I'd identify myself with called "ignostic" which means that the question of God's existance is meaningless until you define "god". I never heard of atheism or agnosticism until I was in 11th grade and I was decieving myself by identifying myself as "christian" when I really wasn't living up to what a christian would be. In fact, I was so decieved that I used to troll the atheism/agnosticism forum at about.com (which I am now banned from).....but that's when I learned I that I really didn't know anything and it finally hit me that I really didn't know God and I wasn't "christ-like" at all. What a waste and fool i've made of myself!

The END lol

john76

We all have our demons. Many of them often stem from how we were raised. I don't think you've made a waste and fool of yourself, as you seem to think. The best we can ever do is take stalk of where we are, forgive ourselves for our past, and ask what comes next. There is nothing wrong with believing in some sort of god, any more than there is something wrong with believing that there isn't one. If you are unhappy with where you are in life, then the important question isn't whether there is a god or not. The important thing to decide is what you really need in order to be happy, and what you need to do in order to get there. I spent my entire life engaging in really interesting and complicated theories about whether god exists or not. You can look at one of my postings here and see that. The truth is that I have never met anyone who has the slightest meaningful idea on the topic. There may be a god and there may be not - we don't know. But what we do know is that there are people who live real lives that are both happy and unhappy. The question is really one of what you need to come to in order to make yourself happy. It may be the job you've always wanted, or overcoming old prejudices, or finding a great relationship, or getting a great puppy to sleep beside you at night, or finding a forum of like minded people to discuss ideas, or finding a great place to walk, or whatever. Agnosticism doesn't give answers, it only gives us cautions about answers. I know that doesn't seem like much, but it is a place of peace. Nietzsche says somewhere in 'Human all too Human' that maturity in understanding is only reached when we no longer strive for the rare things in life, but are satisfied with the everyday and ordinary, in the realization that life is too short for the rare and the extraordinary. I would suggest finding some simple, short term goals that you are interested in, and then work to try to realize them. If in doing that, you can find some measure of contentment, then you have achieved more in your life than any religious doctrine could ever hope to give you. Blessings; John

debdodd

Welcome to the fold .... you might find answers ... or end up with more questions ... whatever the case may be enjoy your time here and try not to get banned from our forum

__________________
"Ubi dubium ibi libertas."

"We are all lone souls. It pays to know humility, lest the delusion of control, of mastery, overwhelms. And indeed, we seem a species prone to that delusion, again and ever again ....."

romansh

welcome cyber

have fun here.
John is right by and large agnosticism does not give you answers.
But I am sure agnostics will ...

all the best

__________________
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. ........... Douglas Adams

cybergeist88

my rebelious phase really scares me sometimes...like i'm a fraid i'll kill myself lol no not really (I don't have the guts to do such a thing...then again...what a cowardly thing to do!).

I really wish I could have some balance in my life....i'm so out of focus everday...i don't concentrate in school, i'm obsessed with chatting, television, astral projection (lol), etc.....How do I keep myself focused? I want to get my priorities straight, but I don't have the will power to do so.....expecially since i feel like i'm living someone else's life.

You make a good point that I should make short term gooals and stick to them....I guess that answers how I would get my priorities straight (instead of bouncing around like a scatterbrain as I have, lol...talk about out of focus!). And true, this issue i'm talking about isn't really about theism, it's about finding mt purpose in life....I'm just happy I got this off my chest and and shared it with someone because this is stuff I just don't usually go on telling everybody.

Skepticologist

My observation is that you're about as confused as the rest of us when it comes to an ultimate purpose of life. I readily admit to having studied the proposition for more years than you've likely been alive, and still not having come up with a satisfactory answer. It's been ten years since I attempted to noodle my way through this dilemma with a very good jazz musician who was also a very close friend in a small country you've probably never heard of. His conclusion was simply, "Life is life", and I'll be damned if I can come up with anything that makes more sense.

__________________
"I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of."

Clarence Darrow

debdodd

that's one of the best things about the anonymity of the Internet ... you can say things that you cannot say face to face with anyone else.

You might be at a juxtaposition in life and find a path that suits you ... there are certainly some very bright people on this forum .... who often sound like they have their sh*t together perhaps you will find some wisdom in their words or solace for you soul.

You haven't had the easiest road in life so far ... better than some ... worse than others .... you can let that hold you back or you can use it to make you stronger. It's always about choices. How we chose to deal with the obstacles that life throws our way ... some of us find our way through the maze with help from friends ... be they next door or in cyberspace.

I like to believe that I have found cyberfriends on this forum and through them I have grown. They hopefully know who they are ... love you guys (at times , wanna throttle a couple of you) Deb

__________________
"Ubi dubium ibi libertas."

"We are all lone souls. It pays to know humility, lest the delusion of control, of mastery, overwhelms. And indeed, we seem a species prone to that delusion, again and ever again ....."