mtatum4496

This is one told to me by a UU seminary student......

An old woman had three close friends, all of whom were clergypersons. One was a Catholic priest, the second a Reformed rabbi and the third a Unitarian Universalist minister.

The day came when the old woman knew her life was soon to end. Calling her three friends to her bedside, she called their attention to three suitcases that were standing by the bedroom door.

"I have liquidated all my assets and divided the money equally between those three suitcases. My dear friends, each of you are to take one suitcase. As my casket is being lowered into the ground, I would like your word that you will come forward and place the suitcases in the grave with me. In this manner will I take my wealth on to the next life." All three agreed to honor her last wish.

Shortly afterward, the old lady died. The service went just as the departed soul had wished it to go. Each of her friends had come forward and placed a suitcase in the grave.

Leaving the graveyard together, the three clergypersons were very quiet. Suddenly, the Catholic priest heaved a sigh and said, "My friends, I have something weighing on my mind and I must tell you. I did not exactly do as our friend asked. I took $10,000.00 from my suitcase and gave it to an orphanage our parish runs. May God forgive me!"

A moment passed, and the rabbi said "I should be honest with both of you. We needed roof repairs on our building, so I took $20,000.00 from the case. May the memory of our friend not hold my action against me."

Another moment passed, with the UU minister looking in consternation at the other two clergypersons. Finally, he spoke.

"Friends, I am surprised and appalled. I will have you know that I put my own personal check for the entire amount before putting my suitcase in that grave!"

Rehpo-+

Haha

Q. How do you drive a Unitarian Universalist neighbor out of town?


A. Burn a question Mark on their lawn.

}SoC{Sumguy

heres one:

Jesus was preaching to the people, who were about to stone a woman.
he said "if there are any among you who are sinless, let them cast the first stone.". a woman walks up, picks up a rock, and throws it at the woman they were stoning. Jesus looks at her and says: "C'mon Mother, im trying to teach a lesson here!"

__________________
"And now you've seen his face,
and you know that there's a place
in the sun, for all that you've done.
For you and your children.
You always wanted to beleive.
Just ask and you'll receive,
beyond your wildest dreams.
And you already know how this will end...."

mtatum4496

You may have to be pretty familiar with the LDS Church and its culture to get this one, but here goes:

Hope, who was due to deliver her first child in two weeks, always led the music at sacrament meetings (main church service). On this particular Sunday, she was feeling particularly drained, but when it was time to sing the opening hymn, she got to her feet and made her way to the front of the congregation, and began to lead the singing.

As they got into the hymn, she noticed a lot of people beginning to smile and finally laugh out loud. Hope was perplexed until she looked down at the words of the hymn - then it was all clear.

The hymn? A Latter Day Saint favorite called "We Thank Thee O God For a Prophet".

The words that got everybody laughing?

"There is hope smiling brightly before us, and we know that deliverance is neigh."

MickinEngland

FUGITIVE by Mick

MOSES (to Egyptian foreman) - "Hey mister, maybe you'd like to stop beating up that poor slave and try me on fer size?"
EGYPTIAN - "You talk mighty big mister, but can you walk the walk?"
MOSES - "Your move"..
Bam!....Bam!...Bam!...Bam!
EGYPTIAN (dying) "ugh..i'll get a good nights sleep tonight..."
ONLOOKER - "Hey Mose you'd better git outta town real fast, Pharoahs gonna be comin after yer fer sure"..
MOSES - "I know it old-timer, I'm a-headin fer them thar hills"
PHAROAH (on hearing the news) "Looks like we got ourselves a fugitive..Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injury, is four miles an hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want out of each and everyone of you is a hard target search of every residence, warehouse, farmhouse, hen house, outhouse and doghouse in that area.
Go get him!"

"One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. Glancing this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand" (Exodus 2:11)--------------------------------------------------------------------