I was born into a strict and observant muslim family, taught to memorise the Quran from the age of four. My father was a scientist and yet also a strict believer (theistic evolutionist), so I never really grew up with an anti-science sentiment in the household, but quite the contrary, science and particularly Biology were my greatest passions in highschool.
I left highschool a strict believer despite going to a muslim highschool and having huge disagreements with my classmates over evolution (my nickname from year 8 and onwards was "monkey").
I spent my freshman year in college being active in the muslim society on campus trying to spread the message. I started taking my religion more seriously and reading deep and ancient theological texts and philosophies. Through these studies I became aware of the numerous contradictions and unscientific statements in the Quran, Through my studies of the Ahadith (narrations of Muhammad's words and lessons) I became aware of his flaws and inconsistencies. I was also awakened to the draconian and barbaric laws which dictate muslim societies (these laws, whilst I knew of them before, did not trouble me much because I was indoctrinated into believing they were just from a young age, and also because neo-traditionalists avoid trying to implement such laws because they deem that society is "not ready" for it. In reality, they dont have the stomach to implement such laws).
At the same time, I started studying liberal theory and the history of the enlightenment. I realised, that ultimately, human progress was paved for by rebellion against religious dogma.
Still I tried to draw a distinction between Islam and Christiantiy, I told myself that the enlightenment was a rebellion against christianity, not Islam.
But the strength of the arguments against theism mounted up and I snapped. I resorted to Pascal's wager, that I had nothing to lose from believing and everything to lose if I disbelieved. I remember driving home one day from work crying my heart out begging god to give me a reason to belief. No answer came. I cried my heart out trying to find some form of justification for Muhammad's marriage to a nine year old girl. I could not reconcile the defences of moral relativism which are brought out in Muhammad's defence with the absolute moralsim that Islam professes. If Muhammad was truly an example for mankind till time immemorial, his actions ought also be universally correct.
At this time I began reading apologist literature. I read Francis Collins' Language of God. I remember reading the final chapter, it went something like this:
"...of all the arguments presented for the existence of God, the argument of Moral law is the strongest"
and I think that did it for me. Such a weak argument, nothing more than an appeal to emotion, is presented as the strongest argument for the existence of God? And by what punishment for disagreement? An eternity in Hell? It drove me to insanity to believe my non muslim friends would be thrown into hell for failing to believe in unscientific dogma.
So I forced myself to stop thinking about religion, terming myself a "pandeist existentialist muslim" because I could use my supposed existentialism to justify belief in the unfalsifiable. I used Kierkegaard's christian existentialism as a model for my own.
Slowly I drifted towards agnosticism and when a freind of mine asked me of my religious beleifs I found myself describing Muhammad as a either a lier or a madman. And yet still I was not able to admit to myself, verbally that I was no longer muslim! With such desperation and vigor religion binds itself to one's mind!
And then it was a friday, the muslim holy day and I was going out with my friend (the same one I had spoke to about religion). She gave me my first kiss, and when I looked into her eyes and I told her I loved her, I knew I was no longer muslim.
Sorry about the length!
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I am free, at last. |