Deb, I became a "born-again Xtn" in 1965, my senior year of high school. Do the math and you'll know that I'm now sixty (as of two weeks ago!). Holy crap! If I new I would live this long I would have FLOSSED!
My doubting began very shortly after my conversion. But it was explained as Satanic Attacks on my faith. I tried to resist them as such for many years, but they became increasingly persuasive. After five years of theological training, marriage to a fine Xtn gal, and years in the full-time Xtn ministry, I was pretty well locked into a life as a Xtn...but I couldn't stop the doubting. I guess I've always been a very reluctant believer. Anyway, I realized about 6 years ago that I had abandoned enough of my doctrinal beliefs to qualify as a "liberal Xtn"...a theological liberal. Hmmmmm. That brought me to the point that I simply HAD to act on my desire to leave the ministry, or live as a hypocrite. Something I just can't tolerate. I made the big move three years ago and moved back Stateside with my wife (our kids are all grown and out of the house) where I'm working in construction with my son-in-law. I've given myself to lots of reading...in areas that I have ignored for the past years. The result is that I've made peace with my doubts, acknowledging them as My Truth. I went from that position of "liberal Xtn" to a theist. From theist to deist and then, about 6 months ago, I had to be honest and acknowledge that I was, in fact, an agnostic. I've found great peace and a sense of integrity in finally being true to myself. I know that sounds very clichish, but it's also very true. I'm an honest man now and, as Cramer would say, "I'm LOVIN' IT!!!" Of course, it's not without its problems. My wife and best friends are all Xtns. My wife knows of my defection, but most of my friends are still in the dark. Since many of them are back in Europe and the others don't live nearby, I haven't had to confront the issue with them. I'm not looking to scandalize anyone, but neither am I ashamed of where I am. I'm an honest man now, and won't apologize for it if the occasion calls for me to talk about it. So, there you go. More than you asked for, huh?
Take care............Poincicco |