messenger

I've been putting this off for two years. I haven't known what to do. I am an agnostic by way of atheism by way of Wicca by way of atheism by way of Christianity. It's been a long journey. I'm almost 50 now. I've tried to believe so many things. In the end, I believed nothing at all.

Then a series of strange events brought me back to God. But not the god of Christianity. They don't hold the patent rights on Him as far as I'm aware. Let me just be really upfront here. I spent 15 years as a Wiccan. I rose in the ranks and am technically a 4th degree (our trad had 4 not 3 degrees) and my official title in my coven was, "4th DD, Elder Matriarch". And I have to say, I was a good leader and counselor to my group. I was a debunker, a skeptic and I taught that to my students of which there were over 100 all told by my 'retirement'. I was the witch you called when you had ghosts and I was the one that disappointed you by sitting you down and explaining all the practical reasons why people think they see them. Anyway, I'm not a foolish, doe-eyed, frightened little girl with stars in her eyes about God, ok? In fact prior to what happened to me, I was known to shake my fist at heaven and DARE HIM to show himself to me and do His worst just to prove to my students he was an archetype we could learn about the nature of Man from, not a living deity! God was no more 'alive' to me than the Egyptian gods my Wiccan teachers made me read about and honor in circle. The Universe was just one big chemistry set gone amuck and I and all of you were just animated dirt, destined to be worm food and that's all. I even at one point toyed with the whole idea that Life was DNA's bid for world domination! That's how far and wide my search took me.

*sigh* Anyway, this is the part I know I have to tell someone or pop. It's embarrassing so try to be nice, ok? I was back in college taking some courses trying for the umpteenth time to just finish my degree (I'm sooo close). I had chosen sociology as my major years ago, back when Wicca was my life's work, and one of the requirements for graduation was to choose a class from the divinity school. The one I chose was called, "Divine Intervention" and it was about Angels and Saints. I thought, hell, more archetypes, why not, sounds easy. The reading was pretty dry until the professor turned us loose halfway through the term and let each of us choose our own books. I chose all sorts of wild Catholic books that I thought would actually be funny. Not in the least. The more I read the more incensed I became. I started having really bad migraines whenever I had to read for school. I got pretty sick in the end, like physically, and actually had to stay in bed an entire weekend after writing one particularly awful essay that was required. Eventually it got so bad, I begged the professor to let me compile a new reading list. He said no, we were too close to the end of the term. One day, when I was finally at my wits end, I called my dearest friend in the world, who happens also to be my cousin and fellow ex-Wiccan HPS, to rant and rave about this reading and writing I was being forced to do. She was patient as, once again, I shook my fist at heaven and screamed at God. I was in the middle of my tirade, having just growled, "No-one should kneel in front of ANY god! There is no god!! Why do people humiliate themselves like that???!!!" and as the last word left my mouth, a booming "voice" "said", "BECAUSE IF I TOLD YOU WHAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHILE YOU WERE STANDING, YOU WOULD FALL DOWN!!" And as soon as the hurricane force of that "voice" had finished passing through me (I didn't actually physically hear it) and I came back to myself, I was actually hanging onto the edge of the kitchen counter, on my knees. I swear it. I swear on my children's lives that I'm not making this up.

Right after that, the angel showed up. At first, all I was aware of was what looked like a big smiling mouth hanging in empty space off to the upper right of my field of vision. It was there all the time. I called it Big Smile. Over time, it drew closer until finally I could make out that it wasn't a smile at all but a set of wings outstretched. And then the set of wings got closer and closer until a portal, with bright golden light streaming from it, appeared in its place, the silhouette of a man standing there. I've never seen his face. But he started telling me amazing things. Things I know I never knew or thought. Things that just answer so many of my questions, all those damned questions I carried around with me for all those years!! What a friggin' relief! And I can ask him questions and he answers them and his answers are always so spot on or at least really thought provoking. Everyone in my immediate circle of friends and family know about Big Smile now (as well as others who I've never met but who found out about him from someone I know) and I have people calling to ask him stuff all the time now.

Here's the thing though: He's given me a mission. This mission truly sucks. I have to transmit his words about the Catholic church and, just so you know, he's out to topple it once and for all. And he wants me to tell anyone who'll listen about the REAL God, the one that so many agnostics are aching to find! I want you to know, I personally do not claim the 'glory' for this. I've resisted it, actually. I know that there are a few out there who have read Big Smile's words who I've never met and have already started acting on them. There's a movement coming and I'm supposed to help it by letting Big Smile have some equal press time.

Last thing. Recently, Big Smile 'showed' me his real name. I'm still reeling and I'm not ready to say it. But as he just said when I wrote that last sentence, "Remember and speak all of my names and I will make prophets of you all!" And no, it's not God. But God does pray to us, just so you know.

So, I guess I'll be posting some excerpts from Big Smile's work here. I hope it doesn't offend the forum staff. I promise to keep it shorter than this from now on. But frankly, I don't expect anyone to do anything except write telling me to go seek professional help, so do with the excerpts what you will. If some of you want to 'test' Big Smile (and yes, I already realize his initials are very funny and potentially ironic [so I would have chosen a cooler name if I was making this up, right?]), post some questions. He's not God, so he's not omnitient, but he does have an interesting take on God, Love, Living with purpose, Freedom, religion, Christianity, esp. Catholicism and lots more. I've got at least 189 document pages so far and that's just the stuff I've had the chance to write down! There really seems to be no end to the work. You know, this sucks. I really hate looking stupid. But I surrender, and I do so with love.I hope someone gets something out of this so I didn't go embarrass myself for nothing! This I freely choose to do in service to Love and as it is mutually beneficial to do so.

Ok, now that I've just showed the world that I'm nuts (yeah, thanks for that Big Smile) I'm going. Sorry this was so long.

Peace
Big Smile's messenger