Hey Susan, please pardon the pun, but it appears you are "desparately seeking" a higher level of truth than you've encountered in organized religion. I encourage you to be honest and forthcoming with your opinions and questions. To the extent they're not being offered in the interest of some hidden agenda, which appears to be the case at this point, there's a lot that you and the rest of us here can learn from each other.
One thing I'd encourage you to think about and to seek the viewpoints of others here in order to consider more deeply, is your assertion that "I still think there's a god". I suppose it's OK to feel that way if it makes things somewhat easier for you, but as an agnostic who questions any assertions of faith, I'd ask you why you believe there's a god.
My guess is that, very legitimately, you have a hard time understanding how our world, not to mention the universe, came to be, absent the agency of some omniscient, omnipotent prime mover. For several years I tried to adopt the principles of intelligent design for exactly the same reason. But there's a huge difference between trying to make sense of things and jumping to a conclusion just because we'd like to be valid.
Bottom line is that, as far as I've been able to determine, there exists no sustantive proof, and no disproof, of the existence of a supreme being. It's really OK to acknowledge that lack of evidence and to adopt the position that you simply don't know. It doesn't contribute to any sort of closure in figuring out the universe, but it's a whole lot better than forcing yourself to adopt a belief system just because it's more or less close to what you'd like to believe.
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"I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of."
Clarence Darrow |